“Is this part of the fitting process?” Cinderella asks.

“Oh, definitely.”

“I think I like it.”

“I thought you would.”

Perhaps because it is based on such a familiar story, this game will most likely not encounter much resistance. It is fun to play and appeals to the grandiose fantasies of both wife and husband. The game will in effect take on a life of its own. Cinderella will sportingly try on the shoe, and the prince will exclaim, “It fits! It fits! Now—you will be my lawful-wedded wife!” They embrace. From there the story is up to the participants. The prince may present her with a princess gown, and she may dress up in it and then actually go through a wedding ceremony. There could even be a wedding ball, with candlelight dinner and midnight dancing and brandy punch drunk from her slipper. Finally he carries (or leads) her over a threshold and right into bed.

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“Never mind,” he will answer in a brave new tone of authority. “Put down that magazine [turn off the television] and come with me.”

“Where?”

“Never mind where. Just do as I say.”

“No. I’m reading my favorite book [watching TV].”

“I said, put it down [shut it off].”

“Stop being so silly. Where did you get that costume?”

“I’m not going to ask you again.”

“Stop talking like that. What are you trying to prove?”

“I’m not trying to prove anything. I have nothing to prove. I am who I am. I am the Kissing Bandit, and I may just steal some kisses from you.”

“Oh, yes?”

“Yes!”

The conversation goes on like this for a while, perhaps. Then the husband walks up to the wife, tosses the book aside [turns off the TV], and takes her into his arms. If he is physically able, he lifts her up and cradles her in his arms. If not, he pulls her to a standing position and leads her by the arm.

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È all goes according to plan, the passive spouse will be provoked out of his or her passivity, and will express the real anger and hate that underpins the passive-defensive posture. Since that person already views the spouse as a monster, this scene sets off—even exaggerates—this fantasy, forcing the passive to recognize and verbalize what was formerly secretly thought. It also provides the “psycho” spouse with a way of expressing her or his anger at the passive spouse in a constructive way (a way that has a humorous undertone and leads to resolution) rather than through destructive sarcasm, guilt-tripping, or temper tantrums.

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Setting: A room with two plain chairs facing one another.

Aim: To force a husband and wife out of their boredom by giving it expression while adding an erotic element. This method is referred to by psychotherapists as “joining the resistance.” In this case, both the husband and wife, ironically, join each other’s resistance.

Game Plan: The husband and wife sit facing one another. The husband begins the game by saying, “I don’t feel like having sex.”

The wife replies, “I don’t feel like having sex.” “It’s boring,” the husband says. “Who cares?” the wife retorts.

They may repeat these or similar phrases as often as necessary. At first they may find themselves snickering, not really “feeling” them: The words may sound artificial. But if you are truly a bored couple, these phrases (or something similar to them) should eventually feel right.

Then the husband removes an article of his clothing—a belt, a hat, a ring—and says, “This is boring, but I’ll do it anyway.”

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Libidinal satisfaction diminishes his aggressiveness and with it his anxiety. In addition, the pleasure he gets from such satisfaction seems in itself to allay his fear of being destroyed by his own destructive impulses and by his objects [inner demons], and to militate against … his fear of losing his capacity to achieve libidinal satisfaction. Libidinal satisfaction, as an expression of Eros, reinforces his belief in his helpful imagos and diminishes the dangers which threaten him. . . .

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Nowadays things have changed. Although there are still some people who think it’s not ‘right’ or ‘proper’ for girls to do the asking, most people don’t see anything at all wrong with a girl taking the initiative. In fact, many people think it’s a great idea. Almost every boy we’ve asked has said he wished more girls would do it. Girls are often in favour of this idea too.

What if you and your best friend like the same person?

If one of you is already dating or going with this person, then we’d say that this person is ‘off limits’. But if the person isn’t ‘taken’, then the two of you need to think about how you’re going to keep your feelings for this person from getting in the way of, or maybe even ruining, your friendship. Here are some possible solutions. You could decide that you’re both going to ‘go for’ the person, but you agree ahead of time not to let it affect your friendship. You could toss a coin. You could decide to let the one with the strongest feelings have the first chance. Of course, the person you like may already be interested in one of you, so he or she may do the deciding. Or the person may not be interested in either of you, so it may not be a problem at all.

Whatever happens, try to keep a sense of humour about it. And remember, at your age romances come and go, but the friendships you make now may last a lifetime. So, don’t lose your friendship over a romance.

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Most victims of incest are girls who are victimized by their fathers, stepfathers, brothers, uncles, cousins, or some other male relative, although it is also possible for a girl to be victimized by a female relative. Boys can also be victims of incest, though this is less common. When incest happens to a boy, it may be either a female or a male relative who victimizes him. Incest can happen to very young children, even to babies, as well as to older children and teenagers.

Brothers and sisters often engage in some form of sex play as they’re growing up, which may involve ‘playing doctor’ or pretending to be ‘mummy and daddy’. This kind of sex play between brothers and sisters is very common and isn’t always considered incest. It isn’t necessarily a harmful thing. But being forced or pressured to have sexual contact with an older brother or sister is incest, and it can be very harmful.

Incest isn’t always a forced thing, like rape. Because of the older person’s position in the family, he (or she) may be able to pressure the child into doing sexual things without actually having to use force. Most incest victims are so bewildered by what’s going on that they simply don’t know how to stop it or prevent it from happening again.

Child molesting, like incest, may involve anything from touching, feeling or kissing the sex organs to actual sexual intercourse. (The word molest means to bother or to harm.) But child molesting is different from incest because the person doing the molesting isn’t a family member. It may be a complete stranger, a friend of the child’s parents or some other older person. Boys as well as girls may be victims of a child molester.

If you are a victim of incest or child molesting, the most important thing to do is to tell someone. This can be a difficult thing to do, particularly if you are an incest victim.

The logical people to tell are your parents. (Of course, in cases of incest by a parent, you need to tell the other parent.) However, some parents have trouble believing their children at first. If, for whatever reason, your parents won’t believe you, you might tell another relative – an aunt or uncle, a grandparent, an older sister or brother – who you feel will believe you. Or you could tell another adult—a teacher or counsellor at school, a friend’s mother or father, your vicar or priest, or any other adult you trust. You can also ring the local rape crisis centre, Incest Crisis Line, Childline or the National Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC). (Look in the telephone directory or ring directory inquiries for the numbers.) The people who answer the phones are specially trained and they understand what you’re going through. (Some of them have been victims of sexual crimes themselves.) You needn’t give your name and what you say is entirely confidential, so don’t hesitate to ring.

Victims of incest or child molesting often find it hard to come forward and tell someone. Sometimes the person who committed the crime has made the victim promise to keep it a secret. But there are some promises and some secrets a person needn’t keep, and this is definitely one of them. Or the victims may find it hard to tell someone because they think that what happened is somehow their fault or that they’re to blame because they didn’t stop it from happening. But this just isn’t true. These crimes are always the fault of the older person. The victim is never to blame and is never at fault in any way. Some victims don’t tell because they fear the person will harm them or get back at them for telling. But the police or other authorities can make sure the victim is fully protected.

Incest victims sometimes hesitate to tell because incest is a crime and it’s possible that telling could get the person who has committed the crime into trouble with the police. Even though most victims hate what’s been done to them, they still may not want to see a relative sent to gaol. But doctors don’t have a legal obligation to report a crime, so the doctor can listen to your problem without reporting it to the police, though he or she will undoubtedly try to get you to agree to involve social services and even the police. Although involving the police or social services may seem like a horrifying idea, it will be better for everyone in the end and will protect any brothers or sisters who may also be suffering abuse.

Some incest victims don’t tell because they’re afraid that the family will break up, their parents will get divorced or things will get worse than they are. But if incest is going on, things are already about as bad as they could be. People who commit incest are mentally or emotionally ill, but they can be cured. The victim and the other family members also need help in dealing with the situation. None of these people can get the help they need unless the victim has the courage to take the first step and tell someone.

Most victims of incest and child molesting feel a mixture of anger, embarrassment, and shame. This can also make it hard to come forward and tell someone. But you have a right to protect yourself from being touched in ways that don’t feel right to you. So even though you may feel embarrassed, it’s important to tell someone. It’s really the best thing for everyone.

Other questions-We hope we’ve answered many of your questions in this chapter. However, you probably have questions about these subjects that we haven’t covered. If so, perhaps your mother, your father, the school nurse, your GP, one of your teachers or another adult you trust can help you find the answers. You might also contact your Brook Advisory Centre for information.

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Pubic lice-Pubic lice are also called ‘crabs’. This STD is caused by tiny, blood-sucking lice that can live in pubic hair or sometimes in the eyelashes. The lice may be passed through sexual contact or through contact with infected clothing, towels and bed linen. The bite of the lice causes intense itching, and if you look closely you can see the lice or the shiny, sticky eggs they attach to the hair shafts. Lice are treated by repeated shampooing of the infected area with special lotions (available from a chemist without prescription). Bed linen, towels and clothing must be boiled, dry-cleaned or isolated for two weeks to avoid re-infection. Though bothersome, crabs are not a serious health problem.

*108\95\2*

How do people decide which method to use?

The method a couple chooses will depend on many factors, including personal preference, the woman’s health, her age, the couple’s relationship (that is, whether they just want to ’space’ pregnancies or absolutely don’t want to become pregnant), and feelings about the issues of safety, effectiveness and convenience. Most people use many different methods over the course of their lives.

Many young people begin by using a condom. The condom has the advantage of being easy to obtain and can protect against AIDS and other STDs. Later, they may switch to one of the methods that require a doctor’s prescription. Some couples prefer methods such as the IUD or pill because they don’t like to interrupt their love-making by having to use the barrier methods or spermicides. Women who don’t have intercourse very often may choose a barrier method rather than the pill, which must be taken regularly, or an IUD, which is in place constantly. The female barrier methods also have the added advantage of providing some protection against some sexually transmitted diseases. Women who are concerned about safety and side effects of methods like the pill or IUD may choose the safer barrier methods. Men or women who have completed their families may choose sterilization. Choosing a method involves weighing the relative effectiveness, convenience and safety of each method. It helps to become fully informed about all available methods before making a choice.

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Spermicides-These are sperm-killing chemicals that come in the form of creams, jellies,

C-films, pessaries and aerosol foams. They are placed in the top of the vagina shortly before intercourse and work by killing sperm before they can get through the cervix, into the uterus. Some types of creams and jellies are used with caps and diaphragms, others are made to be used alone. However, when used alone they aren’t very effective at preventing pregnancy, and therefore are not recommended methods.

Contraceptive foam is more effective, especially when used with a condom. A special applicator is used to insert the foam into the top of the vagina, which may be done as many as three hours prior to intercourse. If more time elapses before intercourse, if a couple decides to have sex a second time or if the woman gets up and walks round, allowing the spermicide to drip out, more foam must be added before intercourse. The foam works by acting as a barrier as well as by killing or stunning the sperm.

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